Not Now
by Marishna
Summary: Spike's been gone all summer with no word. Buffy hates to admit it, but she has missed him.


Title : Not Now  
  
Author : Marishna  
  
Part : 1/1  
  
Disclaimer : If anyone/thing from Buffy WERE mine I would keep it all in a little box, and wouldn't share. But it's not, so I don't have a choice. I also don't own the lyrics to the song called "I can't take my eyes off you" by Melanie Doane (A Canadian girl!!) This song was also used in "Family" from season 5, when Willow and Tara dance at Tara's birthday.  
  
Spoilers : I have taken some liberties with the end of season 6 (no attempted rape), and season 7 (Spike and Willow are back early, the school hasn't opened, Spike isn't nutty and his roots aren't showing THAT bad).  
  
Summary : It's been all summer and no word from Spike. *This is my first fic EVER so PLEASE be kind.*  
  
There he was. Like a punch in the gut and a jab in the eye. maybe I am letting slaying take over my life, as Xander and Willow have told me of late. But what else am I supposed to do? At first I saw it as setting the spirits free, but how can you set a vamps spirit free when they don't have one anymore? But then it just became an escape. at least I wasn't visiting Spike's crypt on a regular basis anymore. I actually avoided thinking about him as much as I could. That look he had on his face when I left that last time has haunted every dream or nightmare I have ever had. I hurt him and as a result I have hurt myself. I don't have a patrol buddy anymore, someone to trade nifty quips with, someone to spar with, someone to make the nights a little less lonely when it's just me and the dead. even though that's what he is.  
  
He had gone away at the end of the spring. Just up and left everything- his crypt, his clothes, his duster. everything. I don't know why and neither did anyone else. Clem came by the house about a week after he must have left, or at least that's what Clem said judging by how old the blood in his fridge smelled *gross*. I guess they don't vacuum pack that stuff for extra freshness. Either way Dawn was devastated. She was mad at me for a good month of the summer, thinking that I had driven him away and that he wasn't coming back. But I knew better and eventually I had her convinced that he just needed to leave and get some stuff sorted out. I had hoped. There was no sign of a struggle and there had been no ransom demand of my head on a platter in exchange for my vamp- lap boy, so I ruled out that he had been kidnapped. I don't know who could keep him around for any length of time without wanting to kill him anyway.  
  
It had never crossed my mind that he had left to plot some sort of horrible death for me, or that he went to get the chip out. I knew better now. Xander brought it up once but just from the look I gave him he knew better. Giles didn't comment on the matter too much, especially since he had left with Willow to get her de-toxed from her bippity-boppity-boo- athon. The summer had been THAT much more lonely and slow just cause my best girl friend was on another continent. Xander was great but he was working as an important construction guy so he didn't have as much time for Scooby stuff. Not that there had been many Scoobies of which to speak. Anya was off in her own little world- literally now, as she was a vengeance demon again so we didn't see much of her. I was glad for that because I was a little worried I might have had to throw down with her if she interfered with my stuff. And then there was Tara. Poor Tara- who wasn't even Tara anymore. Does a body even have a name once the life has been taken from it? Dawn and I visited her grave a couple times and filled her in on how things were going, although I was sure she knew better than us all, seeing as how she got an eagle's eye view. So Dawn and I toughed out the summer, me slinging burgers at the burger palace of hell and her doing some odd babysitting jobs during the day. We got by.  
  
So the summer was almost over and we were waiting for the school year to start once again. The new Sunnydale High is where Dawn will go to school this summer and some moron decided to build it right over top where the old one stood. By the time any of the town had heard about the plans it was already under construction, so I couldn't do anything about it. Xander is also working on it, so I couldn't get him fired. At least he's on the inside and can let me in on any of the oogly-booglies that may be there.  
  
I had come to the Bronze tonight as an escape from the house. Willow had been back for a week now. So far, so good. She was doing ok with the magic thing, although she will never be totally over it. Magic is part of her now and she can get it from ANYWHERE because magic IS everywhere. I'm proud of how well she is doing; I just hope she can stick to it. Tonight we all decided was a Dawn/Willow night so they could catch up on each other. I had to patrol and wanted a little time to myself so I left the house. Things are going A LOT better than they had last year, but stuff still gets a little pressing, so I just jet for a couple hours, stake some vamps, walk around and it's all good.  
  
I thought that tonight would be easy and quiet. Just me, myself and I. I had done a patrol in the cemetery and things had been remarkably quiet. No night was really a slow night for the vamps, but it seemed like when the summer started to wind down, so did they a little. Until they got their fall spurt, and their winter restlessness and so on. I had only seen one vampire the whole night- and he had just walked into the Bronze.  
  
I had been looking down, into my soda so I wouldn't have noticed him come in. but I felt him. Right outside the door, waiting and wondering if he should come in, psyching himself up and then he was here. He seemed to seek me out, to hone in on my very essence. I saw, and felt, him hesitate when he saw me. Wonder if he should come over, or if it would be better to turn around and walk out. I wondered the same thing.  
  
He seemed to know I wanted him to come over *DID I want him to come over?* and started across the crowded room, not pausing for anything in his way. The crown seemed to part for him like he was a man on a mission. He was.  
  
He stopped short in front of me and just stared. He opened his mouth, and shut it. Then opened it again and tried to talk but nothing came out. I just looked at him, waiting.  
  
Finally "I'm back." I nodded. He didn't have his duster, of course. It made him look a little lost, a little smaller, or maybe it was something else completely. Some of the crypts had been destroyed over the summer because some of the families didn't like the thought of 'transients' using their family burial plots as homes. His had been one of them so Dawn and I had gone over there when we heard about the plans and got his stuff. Everything was packed in boxes and in our attic, except for the duster, which would get ruined just laying in a box in the dry attic, or so I told myself, so I hung it in my closet.  
  
"It's been awhile." I got out, realizing he had been waiting for me to say something. He nodded now.  
  
"I had some stuff to get taken care of. I think I might have figured it all out."  
  
"That's good." Silence again, with us just looking at each other. I wanted to say more, to ask about where he had been, what he had done and what he had figured out, but I wasn't sure how. What was I to him that I could ask him these things?  
  
He almost seemed to read my mind. "I fixed some things, Buffy. I have been trying hard to make things right. I- I've changed."  
  
"I can see it. I can see it all around you." I whispered, but he heard me. I didn't know what it was, but he was different now. The hair was the same, although he needed a touch-up, his clothes were still black, and his boots were still- well, boots. But his whole aura had shifted. I wasn't the witch or the demon in the group, so I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn't hallucinating, but it seemed like the color around him had changed. I didn't know what the color around him was before, but it was- different somehow. I just knew.  
  
"I know that things can't be the same as they were before, and I know I can't change them to be perfect. I just want to know that you know I have tried, and I AM trying to make things better." He was asking me for recognition of him as someone I would want in my life. Not as an obligation, or an unfortunate turn of events, but as a working part of my life. I knew that he would be, but I just was not sure to what capacity. I had figured out over the summer that Spike was an important member of our group, and my life- all of our lives. I vowed that if he came back- WHEN he came back, that he would know that. He again seemed to see right through me and know what I was thinking.  
  
"I'll support you through what you are trying to do. Even if I don't understand it, or you don't seem to understand it. As long as you don't try to take over the world, we're good." I tried to make a joke, but he didn't even crack a smile. I laid a hand on his arm. "I'm here. We've all missed you. I don't know where you were, or what happened, but I can tell there is something in you that wasn't there before. When you are ready, we'll talk about it. Until then, I'm here."  
  
"Thank you." I almost thought he was going to cry. I came here tonight to get away from heaviness like that so I jumped up.  
  
"Hey hey! How about a celebratory drink, now that you're back?" I would try anything to get him to not look like I had given him my heart on a platter.  
  
"How about a dance instead?" I looked at him closely. Gone were the hints of tears. He was still a different Spike, but I saw a flicker of the old Spike, in his eyes as they glinted, raunchy and hard headed as he was. "Not that dance, luv. I thought we could try with music this time."  
  
"It's the least I can do, I guess." I was relieved to not have to sit and talk about heavy stuff, happy about him being back, and now intrigued. We walked onto the dance floor, and his arms wrapped around my waist. I leaned into him a little and put my arms around his neck. This felt amazingly right.  
  
  
  
So dear to me  
  
Always keep me company  
  
Who needs to go outside  
  
I will be your silent bride  
  
  
  
"How's the Bit?" He rumbled in my ear as we swayed. This was a little weird. Dancing with Spike, and there weren't any bloody noses, or bruises involved. A girl could get used to this.  
  
"Alive and kicking. She missed you." I replied.  
  
"As much as you did?" I looked up into his eyes, those blue, blue eyes.  
  
  
  
I can't take my eyes off you  
  
  
  
Nothing ever needs to be said  
  
You send your message  
  
right into my head  
  
You fill me up when I'm alone  
  
So soothing is your monotone  
  
  
  
"Maybe. Maybe more."  
  
"Maybe?" He chuckled a little. Things were happening to me. I was feeling warm and odd. Safe, and loved. I know Spike still loves me, but it radiated off him now. Maybe I wasn't safe from him; maybe he wasn't safe from me?  
  
  
  
I can't take my eyes off you  
  
I can't take my eyes off you  
  
I can't take my eyes off you  
  
I can't take my eyes off you  
  
  
  
"Did you miss us?" I whispered back. The song said it all- I couldn't take my eyes off him.  
  
"More than you will ever know. I think I even missed the whelp and the witches. How are they all?" He asked with real concern in those eyes. He noticed me blink at the 'witches' part. "What?"  
  
"Not now. Not at this moment?" I didn't want to stop having this feeling. I didn't want to come crashing down.  
  
"Whatever you want pet." He bit his lower lip and brought a hand up to my cheek. "Like I said, I'm going to try to make things better."  
  
  
  
So maybe you're not as real  
  
as the others  
  
But I choose you over all my past lovers  
  
For they have come and they have gone  
  
but I can always turn you on  
  
  
  
"Spike?"  
  
"Hmm?" He didn't take his eyes off mine.  
  
"Where were you? What did you do?"  
  
"Not now. Not at this moment?" And it hit me. I could love him. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but it would happen and I would make sure I was damn ready for it.  
  
"Whatever you want."  
  
  
  
I can't take my eyes off you  
  
I can't take my eyes off you  
  
I can't take my eyes off you  
  
I can't take my eyes off you  
  
The End. 


End file.
